Everyone ELSE on the Road is an Idiot

(These are not idiots. These are children dressed up as
traffic signals in the Kiyrat Bialik Purim Parade.)

In honor of the fact that I'll take the first driving lesson en route to my Israeli license tomorrow, and the fact that the theme of the Purim Parade in Kiryat Bialik this year was road safety (really), a post about Israeli driving etiquette.

To drive in Israel, remember one simple rule:

Everyone else on the road drives like an [insert term: idiot/maniac/nephew of a monkey/Polish grandmother].

You, of course, drive very well. Every Israeli, personally, is a good driver. You keep a safe distance between yourself and the car in front of you, only talk on your cell phone in case of an emergency (for example, if your friend needs to figure out what plans are for Saturday night now), and pay close attention to all the cars around you.

On the other hand, OTHER Israelis are dangerous drivers who must be snapped into consciousness through skillful application of your horn. Other Israelis do not stop at intersections and pull out into streets without looking and must be honked at so that they do look. Other Israelis jabber on their cellphones constantly, even about stupid little things like Saturday night plans when their friends don't need to talk about them right now, and must be honked at with your free hand. Other Israelis must be honked at so that they notice you cutting them off. Other Israelis don't start moving when the light is about to turn green, so they need to be honked at so that they don't waste a precious second of potential movement. Other Israelis tailgate you, ignoring the "Keep your Distance" sign that you have clearly placed on your bumper. Other Israelis drive too slowly, and so you are forced to honk your horn, flash your lights, or tailgate them (safely, of course, because you're a good driver who pays attention) so that they don't keep you from making the next light. And other Israelis insist on honking their horns at you for no good reason, which is extremely rude.

To recap, if you want to be Israeli, you must be an extraordinarily good driver (like every Israeli) to make up for all of the crazy maniacs driving on Israeli roads.

If this doesn't make logical sense to you, bear in mind that the crazy drivers are not like you. Israeli men will tell you that women are the worst drivers, although of course they're wrong. Israeli women will tell you that Russians are terrible drivers, and Russians will explain that Arabs drive like maniacs.

So when you're on the road, remind other drivers to keep their distance and show a little bit of respect for the other drivers on the road! You may need to maneuver slightly into their lanes so they can hear you shout.

Sign on a rear window: "Keep your Distance-- Lawyer in Car"

Visit Achziv!

If you really want to be Israeli, you should go on "tiyulim" (trips) every weekend. Israelis know how to enjoy this beautiful tiny country of ours, and everywhere you go you see Israelis hiking (in Teva sandals), barbecuing, and photographing nature with ridiculously large cameras.

At ProphetJoe's request, I'll post some pictures of the Mediterranean today. :) This is Achziv, my favorite beach. It's actually part of a nature preserve north of Nahariyah. It's full of these gorgeous little tidepools that dance with sunlight and minnows. The sandy part (not in any of my pictures) is protected by a natural rocky cove. I took these pictures in December. Enjoy, and visit Achziv!

Tell "Jokes"

Years ago, an Israeli told me a joke that I didn't find funny. One Israeli meets another, and says, "Say, Dudi, how did you like that cafe last week?" Dudi replies, "Oh, it was a blast."

Get it? Get it? Ouch.

Yet I think Jews have always told jokes about the worst things that happen to us. For example, there's that old one about two Jews sitting on a park bench in Berlin, just before WW2, reading newspapers. One looks over at the other and says, "Yankel, why are you reading that paper?! It's Nazi propaganda!" Yankel replies, "Well, in your newspaper, what do you read? You read that the windows of Jewish shops are being broken, Jewish property is being seized, Jews are being worked to death in concentration camps, and no other country wants to let us in. Now what do I read in my newspaper? Jews control the banks, they control the media, they control the government..."

Instead of weeping, we prefer to laugh, I guess. Israelis take the security situation here very seriously-- the recent election results prove that-- but you have to laugh at an absurd world, too. Maybe it's a way to feel in control. An Israeli Soldier's Mother, at her blog, wrote a great post about a "joke" told by her son: http://israelisoldiersmother.blogspot.com/2009/03/circles-and-jokes.html

"What happens when a paratrooper makes a mistake?" he asked me.

I looked at him as he answered, "a paratrooper dies."

"Ouch," I answered, not really liking the joke.

"What happens when artillery makes a mistake?" he continued.

Well, if he was going to follow through and tell me an artillery man dies, I was going to be positively miserable those few days before he entered the army. "I'm not sure I want to know," I answered.

"A paratrooper dies," he said with a grin, knowing what I was thinking.

If you want to understand how Israelis have such normal, happy lives given the world in which we live, you need to look at Israeli jokes. Beneath them is a subtext: that's life. Life here involves some risk, but life also goes on. You just have to balance that dark side by living a little harder, laughing a little louder.

I'm struggling with whether I actually want to post this. This post is a little dark, plus I have a cold and my brain is fuzzy. I still don't consider these jokes funny, exactly, and I think Israelis are more sensitive than Americans realize-- I haven't heard jokes about Sderot, for example. But I'm trying to explain why it is that life here looks so much worse from the outside than it does from inside. Some of my friends in the US see Israel as smoking rubble, when here I'm sitting at my computer on a sunny day with my window open, my neighbor's loud music blasting, birds singing. The biggest decision I need to make today is whether to go grocery shopping. Life feels so normal. You sometimes only get a sense of how the "matzav" (situation) impacts Israelis in things like these bitter jokes. Israelis make the choice to LIVE. To get angry, to argue about politics, to laugh-- and then to go shopping and make Friday Night dinner or go dancing in a club. We live on the blade of that double-meaning of "blast," I guess, and most of the time we choose to celebrate.

My husband just pointed out the irony to me that this post-- about jokes-- is less funny than my others. But maybe that irony captures the contradictions in Israeli life better than anything else.

The Sales Person is Always Right

We all know that in America, the customer is always right. But in Israel, the sales person is always an expert.

An example: while my sister spent a year in Israel, her laptop computer mysteriously stopped charging. My father, visiting from the US, decided to buy her a better power adapter. Laptops have a converter in that power brick, so mostly you just need to buy a converter for the American plug, but my father decided to buy something more heavy duty.

When he went into an Israeli electronics store, on the other hand, the sales guy (being an expert) knew what my father should buy better than my father did. He insisted that my father didn't need a massive power adapter and was fine with the little plug adapter. In fact, he refused to sell my father the massive adapter-- despite the fact that it was more expensive!

In Israeli stores, I've often seen sales people push less expensive products because they're the "right ones to buy." Maybe it's some kind of reverse-psychology sales ploy, but more often it's because the sales people pride themselves on giving good advice-- and aren't pleased when customers don't take this advice.

Another reason why the Sales Person is Always Right in Israel is that more often than not, the sales guy in a little shop actually is the shop owner. They build relationships with their customers, like the guy in the Tambour hardware store across the street from us who actually came to help dredge out our bathroom when the sewer overflowed. Or the guy from the kitchen supply store down the street who sells homemade fig brandy underneath his counter. Or the manager of our local grocery store, who my husband's aunt pulled aside before Passover to ask when would be the best day to do her shopping. And actually, I think one reason American tourists often think Israelis are rude lies in the fact that, to the Israelis, the Americans are rude-- the Americans don't say "shalom" when they exit or enter a store, they don't appeal to the Sales Person for good advice, and they act as if they're entitled to good service rather than honored when the Sales Person decides to bestow it.

I got very good advice from an Israeli before I came to Israel: when you're dealing with a sales person or some other kind of Israeli professional, you must balance a little bit of kissing up (solicit good advice) with enough toughness to convey that you aren't a sucker (point out flaws, question prices). When you do it right, the sales person often cuts you a good price.

Have any of you had adventures in Israeli shopping?

Let's Spot Gila Almagor!

When my husband and I watch Israeli movies, we often play a little game we like to call "Let's Spot Gila Almagor!"

The great thing about getting to know Israeli pop culture is that basically the same six or so actors get recycled over and over. Gila Almagor, in particular, is one of the most famous of Israeli actresses, and her long career has resulted in roles in (it seems like) every major Israeli film from 1950 on. She's been described as the Israeli Judi Dench, but honestly, I don't think Dame Dench dominates English cinema the way Gila Almagor dominates Israeli screens.

Here she is in the classic Israeli immigration movie Sallah Shabati (1964), opposite Topol (Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof): (Btw, this is a great movie. Watch it if you want to understand Sephardi-Ashkenazi relationships in modern Israel; it's about the Sephardic aliyah. Topol plays an Iraqi or Iranian... a bit odd at first, since I saw him as the ultimate shtetl Jew!)
Here she is in The Summer of Aviya (1988):
Here she is with the cast of BeTipul, which was recently recast in America as HBO's In Treatment:

One of my favorite Gila Almagor movies is LelSeder (or "Seder Knight" in English), about a dysfunctional Israeli family getting together for seder.

Btw, the guy in the middle of the back row of the BeTipul cast-- Lior Ashkenazi-- is NOT Steve Carell. But doesn't he look like him? Or at least, Steve Carell if he got really depressed and also tan. Below you see Steve Carell on the left, Lior Ashkenazi on the right... and I rest my case:

Put Osem Soup Powder in EVERYTHING

When I first started dating my husband, we would often eat Friday night dinners at his parents' house (they're Israelis living in the US).

Anyway, every week my mother-in-law made the most amazing soup EVER. I would try to recreate it in my apartment with lentils, chicken, celery, tomatoes, dill, parsnips, parsley. Inevitably, my broth would taste like water or, at best, weak parsnip-flavored tea.

Once my future in the family seemed secure enough for the transmission of state secrets (i.e., for me to help cook Shabbat dinners), my future m-i-l told me the mystery ingredient...

Osem Soup powder.

You dump a few heaping tablespoons of this magic powder (available in kosher grocery stores in the US!) into water, and instantly you evoke soup simmering for hours in a shtetl kitchen, mixed with Cup-a-Soup and a lot of salt. Even better, Osem makes vegetarian chicken soup powder that tastes like the real thing, meaning that I finally have an answer to all of those recipes that call for chicken broth in cream sauce!

When I came to Israel, I realized that this fairy dust has infinite uses. My ulpan teacher told us about how she puts soup powder in everything (including her husband's soups, which he refuses to powder because of some silly objection to preservatives. As if parve chicken soup powder could be anything but all-natural). Soup powder is ideal in:

• Casseroles (especially "pashtidot," which don't have a good translation in English)
• Chopped liver (which I made for my husband on Valentines Day-- it's an unsung aphrodesiac!)
• Stir fry
• Mashed potatoes
• Kugel
• Matzo balls
• Pasta sauce
• hummus
• mujaddrah
  

I have yet to try soup powder into Israeli salad, challah, or cheese cake, but I'm sure it would be delicious.

We had an Argentinian chef called Alberto in my ulpan class, who shared with us the recipe for French Onion Soup that he prepares at a fairly nice Italian restaurant in Haifa. Onions, butter, flour, water, white wine-- and Osem Onion Soup mix.

Are there any fun uses for soup powder that I missed?

Election Ads-- Apply Directly to the Forehead

Before the elections, my husband and I spent evenings curled up on our couch watching election ads. Government funding gives every party a few minutes to share their agenda on national TV. This means that parties with no chance of making it into the knesset-- featuring ads made on their nephew's imac-- are featured alongside the heavy-hitters like Likud and Kadima. Hilarity ensues.

The merger of the Holocaust Survivors' Party with the Mature Green Leaf Supporters is the most special Israeli party of all time (except for maybe the Men's Party, which for a while had zayin as its letter for voting and now uses fey-kuf. I'll leave people with good Hebrew skills to figure out those). My guess is that the merger of these two groups resulted from schisms within both the Retired People's Party and the other (presumably immature) Legalize Marijuana Party. This is their actual election ad, and there's something endearing about it. I repeat: this is not a spoof.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFoimWJTroQ

Sadly, these idealistic individuals didn't make it into the knesset.

This election ad parody is actually LESS ridiculous, but it captures the essence of the more serious ads on TV.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pbf2T9OmOA

The jingle hits on every platitude possible: Israel wants Change, Leadership, and a Future for our Children! Avi Etinger loves peace, but he hates the Holocaust. He follows in the footsteps of Begin and Rabin and Sharon and plenty of other people who died in recent years. (Never mind that Sharon is, technically, still alive. I'm pretty sure.) So vote for Avi Etinger, because ma ze meshaneh: what difference does it make?

Right, that other Israeli characteristic-- cynicism about our leaders. I'm slowly starting to get that.

Update: I was trying to find a clip from one of the nephew-in-uncle's-basement style campaign ads, and I wasn't successful. However, I just found a good summary of all the election ads (and the way Israeli elections work) here: http://lisagoldman.net/2009/01/31/israeli-election-campaign-clips-seriously-hilarious/

Update #2: Ok, so for my Hebrew challenge of the day I decided to try to translate all of the parody election ad that I posted above. This is my best attempt. Er... yes... did I mention I've lived here less than a year? Also, the ad was a lot dirtier than I realized at first... ah the innocence of poor Hebrew skills. Read on at your own discretion. Please correct any glaring errors and PLEASE tell me what the fourth line means! :)

Song:
Israel is in need of change
Israel is in need of leadership
For the sake of a future for our children
We need a spicy step? We need on your march lions? We need mountains next to us? Er, I didn't understand this line. Help from better Hebrew speakers is appreciated.

Avi Ettinger speaking:
This is the knesset (parliament).
On a survey of international fun/pleasure,
that was advertised recently,
the knesset was ranked in the second-to-last spot.
This situation MUST be stopped.

Song:
It's time so say "cusomo" (I'm pretty sure that cusomo is a swear word relating to a certain body part of one's mother, or possibly of a male of homosexual persuasion? Either way, it's not in the dictionary:)
To the election of a different candidate
So vote for Avi Etinger
Because what difference does it make?

Avi Ettinger speaking:
Citizens of Israel
People, children, and tots,
(aside) children and tots are the same thing, no?
Habitu bi... habitu bi b'kipat havdela --hmm. The most I get from this is "look at me in a hat from havdela." Except that he seems to be gesturing at the dome of the rock, so I'm confused.
Who is more cute/precious?
You will have that responsiblity (or you will decide?) in the polls.

Song:
He is on the side of peace
But against the Holocaust
He loves the nation
That hates fecal examinations (maybe this means prostate exams?)
He supports Judaism and sodomy (!)
He will wage war with "avtala" and Chaim Etgar. Hmm. I'm not sure what "avtala" means. Maybe "purity" or "virginity" (betulah?) Chaim Etgar is a humorous writer.
He continues the voice of Rabin
And of Begin and Sharon
And many others who passed away in recent times

Avi Ettinger speaking:
The females (?) of sexual relations (Maybe another sodomy reference?)
We can put in order the goings on
In legislation, with pleasure (with "kef," the party's name)

Song:
So when you are at the polls
go to a different canditate
and vote for Avi Ettinger
Because what difference does it make?